So I didn't make it home last night which is not entirely my fault, mostly it is Jack's and Jacob's fault! Oh my god, Scarlet is actually going to kill me this time!!

Events as they happened:
5.30 Me and James were getting ready to leave to go to Grampa Riley's, Mum didn't want to take us incase she got captured, so she planned on making us walk. I say planned because just as James opened the door to leave, the dog charged from the kitchen, where it had been barking at washing machine, and knocked James over causing a broken finger and bruising to the wrist. I don't know why the dog was so eager to get outside, maybe it liked the smell of kebab wafting over from Thin Kylie's house?

6.00 I was forced to go to Grampa Riley's solo, or I would have been, had Jack not have walked past when I was taking the long route and offered to hang out with me instead. I did try to resist for Scarlet, but he had a six pack of cider over his shoulder, I thought I might have needed some Dutch courage before facing a Jubilee based tea.

6.30 Me and Jack were going back to his, after he assured me Scarlet was out at an anti-Queen rally in Cambridge with Bob and Suzy, when Jacob rung him and asked if he wanted to come over to his place with Justin Stantham (who I have had a crush on forever) and hang out. To which he said he couldn't as 'Rach and I am umm, already doing something' So Jacob invited me too! Jack seemed reluctant but we went anyway as I said I was 'cool' with it!

6.45 We went to Jacob's where he and Justin were just playing their guitars. It was a bid weird considering I have no real reason to be friends with Jacob anymore.

7.15 We were just fooling around, playing 'I never', thankfully I have really never done anything, otherwise I would have been as drunk as Jacob, who apparently has done a lot.

Oh Mum has just told me to get off the computer, she needs 'to talk with me' I ope this isn't about last night...

Grampa Riley has invited us over for tea to celebrate the Queen's Jubilee. Mum said she is going to sent me and James over so she does not have to deal with him and his 'Monarchist ways'. I said I thought she liked the Queen, she said yes, but it is not something she is willing to get food poisoning for! So instead me and James have to suffer half cooked food and Baby Jesus in Union Jack pants. It was bad enough this morning waking up and looking out the front window to see the Queen staring at me from Thin Kylies garage!

If I make it home tonight, I will report back...oooh I feel a bit like a Royal correspondent!

Rachel xx

Sad Ed is taking Drama, Philosophy and Ethics, Art and Music. Obviously Mr and Mrs Thomas aren't up to date with the latest government guidelines on what is 'soft'. Scarlet is taking Politics, Economics, Philosophy and Ethics and English Language, basically she trying to make herself a mini politician, which makes me afraid, I best take Politics to keep up with her fast moving Communist Feminist ideology.

I think my final option is Philosophy and Ethics as there is no way I am taking Maths or Science, which I think is what Mum was hoping for!!

Rachel xx

I think my assigned 'soft' subject may be Drama, although I don't see what is so soft about it, remembering Hamlet is not an easy task!

I am defiantly going to take English Literature, to nurture my literary talents. So that's two, I wonder what Scarlet and Sad Ed are doing?

Rachel xx

Ok now I really do need to pick my A-levels, as opposed to using that just to avoid Jack. Mum cornered my this morning (very intimidating when she has her bag of dry Muesli, that stuff is lethal when compact) in the kitchen with the AS sign up sheets and the government specification for 'real' and 'soft' subjects. I have been informed I may have one 'soft' subject and the rest have to be 'real'. I am surprised she has taken such an interest in my education to be honest, she let my pick my own GCSE's as I was 'a lost cause'.

Considering I don't even have a career plan (another one of Scarlet's reasons for why I will be left behind when women rise up against 'the man', although seeing as though I don't even know who 'the man' is, I am unsure how I am suppose to rise against him. I am too short to rise up against him anyway. I wonder if Jack or Jacob is 'the man'?), how am I suppose to pick my A-levels? I hope there is some kind of online questionnaire that can help me decide!

Rachel xx

Jack texted me saying his exams are finished, do I want to meet up 'to relax'? I don't know why he is being so friendly with me, I can't meet up as I am suppose to be avoiding him. Will say no as I am picking my A-levels!

Rachel xx

Oh my, it has been a month since I last posted! I very typically Riley-esque boring month! Anyway the reason I haven't been on for a while is because of the GCSE related Internet ban! Mum has not allowed me on the Internet unless for vital revison needs, even then she stood in the door way with one eye on me and one eye on the dog (who was trying to open the oven door at the time to get to the Sunday lunch)!

So for the past month I have been stuck in my room revising and thus have become a social pariah! If you were wondering I did not go and meet Jack at Waitrose, Mum caught me trying to sneak out and sent me back upstairs with Hamlet. (The tragic Shakespeare play, not the person, that would have been weird)

But now the exams are over and and British summer stretch out before me, before I return to John Major as a 6th Former, in my own clothes, with our own common room, and no annoying year 7's!! I think Scarlet has planed her summer already, mostly avoiding men. Her Radical Feminist ideology is consuming her, Jacob and Jack best be aware!

Rachel xx 

Jack texted me asking if I will meet him outside Waitrose at 3.30, do I go?

Ok just texted Jack, so technically I am still avoiding him and Scarlet will never have to know.

Turns out Jacob was the one who broke up with Scarlet for being 'too mental pushy'. I want what she was pushing? By the way it was Jack who told me, I never asked Jacob in the end. I would ask Jack about the pushy thing but i am suppose to be avoiding him according to phase 1 of mine and Scarlet's anti- Jack plan...

Scarlet is ok, she is the one who broke it off. Wonder if Jacob is ok? I probably shouldn't ask, he's probably fine, I won't text him...

So if Scarlet has split up with Jacob, does Jack think that I should try it on with Jacob? Well even if he did think that, am not going too because a) Scarlet would murder me b) I don't really like him anymore and c) He is damaged goods if he has been with Scarlet for 4 months!

May need to be Scarlet's shoulder to cry on though, will text her and ask her if she's ok.

Oh my God Scarlet has split up with Jacob!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok I think I can take some time out to torture stupid men...Jack just texted me asking if I was going to try my luck again with Jacob?' What an idiot, doesn't he realise that Scarlet is dating him? No wonder she wants revenge!

Don't know if I have time to torture Jack as I have just been reminded that we only have 10 weeks left at school!! 10 WEEKS!! So I am I GCSE panic mode!! Need to revise as opposed to torture stupid men!!

So as aranged me and my comrade i.e. Scarlet met to discuss or plan to extract revenge on Jack. She is yet to tell me why she wants to mutilate him (her own words) but she knows exactly why I want to torture him. I am sure she will tell me eventually. I did try and come up with some ideas but she just wanted to hear my case against him. I will postulate (cool new philosophy word I learnt today) an idea tonight! Hurrah

Sad Ed says I should join forces with Scarlet, to get my revenge. Have agreed and called a strategy meeting with Scarlet tomorrow at break.

Oh goodness, would of never guessed Scarlet would of wanted that!!

Turns out she wants revenge, and Jack is in her sights! She thinks that I might want in after the whole drunk doing it thing. I must say her preposition is tempting, I dunno thought will see what Sad Ed says...

Ok me a Scarlet are about to go into crisis talks. A truce has been sworn (was unaware we were a war...) and she sounds like she really wants to talk to me, which is odd, I wonder what she wants. Will keep you up to date. Gosh I sound like a war correspondent reporting from a battlefield!!

Oh my gosh something really weird just happened! Scarlett texted me asking if she could come round later and it was not the wrong number cos she wrote 'Rachel I need to talk to you, can I come over?'

What am I suppose to put to that? I will text Sad Ed

Back at school, forced to confront my fears by my evil mother (apparently near fatal embarrassment does not count as a valid reason not to be 'educated' for a day). So I had to spend the whole of break and lunch hiding behind Sad Ed (not hard seeing as he has now developed a liking for the different flavours of chunky kit-kats) whenever I saw anyone walk by in skinny jeans in case it was Jack.

On the plus side Scarlet spoke to me today, she only asked me if she could borrow a pencil, but at least it was not a scathing attack on my 'lack' of political knowledge.

Have not been smote, and I have to go to school tomorrow with Jack! At least he will be in the 6th form common room most of the time.

Ok have procured the courage to relay my embarrassment to the blogging world.

I turned up and Scarlett opened the door, saw me and closed it again. So I shouted through the door that I was here to see Jack. She opened up and gave me daggers, she was about to say something evil (I could see it brewing) and then Jack came and saved me. We went into the den and he asked me why I had been avoiding him, told him I didn't know, I was embarrassed cos I could not remember what happened. He smiled and asked what do you think happened? I went bright red at that moment and whispered 'I don't know, just tell me please'. To which he just answered 'we got drunk and went to bed'.

I let out a squeal and whispered 'did we do it?' At which point was possessed by hysterics...I was so mortified I ran out and back down the road, Jack shouting after me from the window. God I hate my life, once again I hope God will smite me in my sleep, arrggghhhh!

Went to Jack's last night and he told me what happened, and I am mortified!

Am going over to Jacks now, he couldn't see me during the day because of band practice or something. I need to be mature and grown up about this I am sure we did not do anything stupid...

Sad Ed said I should talk to him. Will text him now to ask if I can come over tommorrow, which I will do, probably.

I have put it off long enough, I have to go and see Jack. I have fed myself up with power food aka banana and am going to confront this head on.

Actually it is quite dark outside, maybe I will call him,  so we can have a grown up conversation almost face to face.

Although tea will be ready soon so I should probably text him, it's not very adult to have to go to tea in the middle of an important chat.

Yes I will text him, will just make sure I have enough credit...I only have £1, and that is only about 10 texts, maybe I should email him, it is instant if he is online.

Ohhh Sad Ed is calling, will see what he says...

Owww have just woken up
Things are coming back to me in hazy bursts
Oh god I need to check my phone...
6 missed calls from Jack, oh crap and he's calling again now, I am declining him, I can't deal with him right now, I need to tell you all what happened last night, at least what I can remember myself.

6.50 Ok so Jack came and picked me up at the agreed time and we went to the Italian and got a little tipsy using Jack's fake ID.

8.15 We stumbled around Saffron Walden for half an hour doing fake sick noises when happy couples walked past.

8.50 Then we went back to the Stone's to try and sober up, told Mum I was going round Scarlett's which technically is not a lie.

9.00 Turned out we were the only ones there because Suzy and Bob had gone away on a romantic break to somewhere exotic and hot and Scarlett and Jacob are in London. So instead of getting sober we got more drunk.

To be honest it is blurry after that and all I remember is waking up in Jack's bed this morning, with Jack in the shower. So I wrote a note on a post-it and came home and went to bed.

I should really ask him what happened, what if we did it?? Oh my god, no I don't even like Jack like that, at least I don't think I do...

Oooo someone has just dropped off a Valentine's card for me!! But they have not put their name inside, it was probably Jack just teasing me or something, I will ask him later...

Ok so I got a cute dress from new look for only £10! It is Black, with lace sleeves! Am actually rather excited about our non date, guess I should go and get ready, Jack is picking me up at 6.50.

And according to Sad Ed Scarlet is in London for Valentine's day with Jacob, for a romantic break! She used to hate Valentine's day and disagree with spending money for romance! She is such a hypocrite! 

I don't mean date...where is Sad Ed, I need to stop blogging and shop!

To be honest it's the single postmen and women I feel sorry for today, having to deliver countless soppy cards, I am so glad I am above all that, and Jack is too hence why we're going on that date tonight!

Ok so I am gonna go into town with Sad Ed in a minute to see if there are any cheap skirts or something I can buy fro my anti-Valentine's-anti-date-date!

On the same theme James has broken all records this year receiving 15 Valentine's cards! Asked him if they were sent to the wrong address (and are there any for me), the answer was no for both. Not that I cared about the second one, was just curious...

Right so I am going on my anti Valentine's date anti date tomorrow with Jack, and as he never replied to my message and I can't go round his house because Scarlet will hurt me, I guess we are going to the restaurant. Am actually strangely excited. It is probably just the prospect of going against the grain, when traditionally I am quite a romantic!

I need to decide what to wear as well, or should I be casual seeing as it's not a real date? Will text Sad Ed!

Jack says we should go to the new Italian that just opened, is that anti-romance/Valentines day, what do you think? Am unsure, surely we should go to a chip shop or something?

Ugggghhh, February the month of Valentines day and couple based cuisines. It is just over priced over hyper consumerism, and this year I will not be participating in the chocolate heart shaped shambles. I don't have a boyfriend anyway, and won't receive a card so there is no way I can be drawn in. Even Jack agrees with me, he suggested we go on an anti Valentines friend date, I duuno where though, I will ask him now, he's on Facebook chat!  

Arrrggghhhhh, I don't want to go back to school tomorrow, it was nice having a weekend away from Scarlet's constant evil watch, and Jack's undying sympathy! In light of recent events I am making some new years resolutions:

1. Never, ever get drunk again. It only leads to heartbreak and odd coloured sick!
2. Stop falling fall guys whose names begin with J. First Justin then Jacob, who next Jack!?
3. Don't make up with Scarlet. She is an evil boy stealing communist
4. Pass all GCSEs with amazing grades
5. Avoid any birds and bees talk mum might have stored up for after my 16th Birthday
6. Have a totally exotic and exciting 16th Birthday Party. I will probably have to start persuading mum now, but it will be worth it, oooh maybe I could get Jack to play the music?
7. Make new and better friends then Scarlet and Jacob. Sad Ed is still on my side, but only at break time when Scarlet is too busy snogging Jacob to notice he's gone... 
8. And finally choose A-levels. Maybe I could do economics and become a business tycoon!

That's 2012 then, maybe this year will be better then last...

Right so Christmas, arrghh!

On the 23^rd Jack came over with some tinsel and forced me to decorate my bedroom, in an attempt to cheer me up. I was cheered up until Mum came in, brandishing a large wooden spoon and shouted at me and Jack for using drawing pins in the bedroom, thus damaging the magnolia paint. So we replaced pins with Blu-tak which is more acceptable, but still frown worthy. Jack had snuck in some mini baileys’ (I have no idea how, maybe mum forgot to do a pat-down check, probably too busy with making Christmas pudding or something) and we proceeded to drink all six of them between us. This led to his drunken confession that he really, really liked someone in my year, but could not tell me who, and me confessing that I really, really like in his year. He said ‘Yeah, I know Jacob’  I said well it doesn’t matter he is with Scarlet,, and he told me I could do better, at which point the dog walked in and sicked up a piece of plastic reindeer and Jack left.

That was alright compared to Christmas eve. I went round to Scarlet’s with Sad Ed to do the annual present exchange and Jacob was their too. I told Scarlet that actually I couldn’t stay, I had an important meeting to attend, she then grilled me as I ‘never have anything better to do’. I did not plan ahead and tried to claim I needed to conduct a Nativity for James school. Unknown to me they had their Nativity on the last day of school and Scarlet had been there(Suzy was asked to attend to talk to the older children about how baby Jesus was made, not a good idea). So why was I lying to get out of this, was ‘it because I am jealous of her and Jacob’s relationship?’ I protested but once Scarlet sets her mind on something she will not be argued with. So she marched me back in the Den with the instruction to be jolly! What ensued was Christmassy and Scarlet’s and Jacob being ALL over each other, at which point I stood up and declared that I felt ill and left. Scarlet Facebooked me and asked me what my problem was, I did not reply so she came round and shouted at me for ‘eyeing up her man’ to which I replied: ‘he should not be your man, you stole him from me, you knew I liked him, you asked me before you betrayed me’ She retorted that I’ was drunk and he was not mine to steel, I always do this, when in reality no one wants me’ I actually felt like slapping her but thankfully mum came and removed her, shouting at me and banning me from communication with the outside world!

I am such a social pariah and now Scarlet hates me, and I am not too fond of her. I spent Christmas depressed, and seemingly friendless.

Now I am back at school the decorations are down, and only Jack and Sad Ed will speak to me!

Sorry I have not written over the Christmas period! I was not exactly a time of festive cheer... Anyway was banded from the Internet thus my miserable life was not noted down in blog form for a while. But I am back and ready to account my horrifying Christmas to you all.

Have to feed the dog first though.