2 weeks away from Scarlet and Jacob's constant tonsil tennis, but that does mean I have to spent two weeks with the moronic family! James is currently trying to decorate the dog as a fairy in a hope that it will sit atop of the Christmas tree (he says that it is art, his new dream is to be the next Michael Angelo)

The relief of the weekend is over, and back to living a lie!

Jacob and Scarlet were all over each other at break and lunch, it was enough to put me off my health giving strawberry yogurt. Jack did a good job at trying to distract me though,,by making stupid jokes and playing me new songs from his ipod. He invited me over to help decorate his room for Christmas, not going though, am not exactly in a christmasy mood.

Had another miserable day at school! Scarlet and Jacob have been flaunting their new found 'love'. Had to sit behind them in Ethics, where we were describing our perfect partners. And they were describing each other, whilst me and Sad Ed did fake sick in the background. I asked her if this compromised her feminist stance, she told me not to be so stupid, feminists aren't anti love or men.

Also Jack keeps lingering around me asking if I'm alright, am perfectly fine, just not when he's hanging around me, reminding me of my tragically boring life.

Unfortunately did not suffer any form of amnesia and was not smited before 9 o'clock this morning, so had to face a mortifying day at school! Here is how Saturday nights horrifying night spanned out:

7.00 Decided to go to Jacobs party, well Sad Ed dragged me along because he said Scarlet would just ignore him.

7.10 We arrived at Jacobs house, behind Battleditch Lane (aka dogshit alley) and was greeted by a topless Justin!

7.15 Me and Sad Ed found Scarlet doing vodka shots in the kitchen with Jacob, I joined in

7.32 Four (I think) shots later I was attempting to dance like Beyonce on the dining table, being cheered on my Jacob, Justin and Jack

7.34 Fell of table in a heap on the floor, picked up by previous cheering me

8.00 Put on Nirvana 'Smells like teen sprirt' on singstar and challenged Jacob to a sing off

8.01 Jacob somehow turned into Jack

8.04 Jack beats Rachel on singstar, Rachel runs into garden claiming she is the next Curt Cobain 

8.15 Scarlet brings me back inside and asks her what she thinks of Jacob, Rachel replies something along the lines of 'He'ss soooo hot! I love him, he'sss the besst' and passes out on arm chair

10.00 Rachel wakes up to find Justin placing bucket under her head

10.05 Rachel falls off chair and crawls toward the bathroom

10.08 Rachel opens door to find Jacob sitting on bog with Scarlet's tongue down his throat

10.09 Rachel Stares at unbelievable scene

10.10 Jack closes door on snogging Scarlet and Jacob and carries a now crying Rachel upstairs too the bathroom

10.12 Rachel does vodka influenced blue (?) sick

10.17 Jack brings Rachel water

10.20 Rachel cries and confesses feelings for Jacob to Jack, she bitches about Scarlet and cries some more

10.30 Jack walks a drunk and depressed Rachel home

10.40 Janet Riley shouts a Rachel and Jack, who almost runs away, Rachel does run away, but does more blue sick on tile flooring.

10.50 Rachel sent to bed with a glass of water, bucket and a bottle of Cillit Bang

Woke up yesterday morning, was shouted at more, grounded for a week and forced to stay in bedroom eating povvy cheese and crackers.

Then Mum forced me to go to bed today despite my pleading. So spent the whole day with Scarlet and Jacob flaunting their new found love, because they do not know how I feel, but Jack does and he kept asking me if I was ok and throwing me worried glances! 

Ohhh my life, am mortified! 

Oh god, oh no, what have I done?
Last night is so blurry, but can still remember too much!
Am going to sleep again, hopefully I won't wake up, or will suffer some form of short term amnesia....

Am not sure how I feel about the party tonight...

Oh no, Scarlet said the Kylies were implying he wants to do 'it'. No he doesn't (Scarlet did shout that down the phone, she got pretty het up about it really, and told me not to be so stupid)

Is ok it is obviously just a misunderstanding on his part, I don't want to do 'it' with him. Will tell him tomorrow night, gently.

Am not even 16 yet so I can't...I can't.

Need to stop panicking, stop thinking about it, will go and watch James and the dog do something stupid (I think he may be trying to teach the do to do a backward flip, it will never happen!) 

Told Thin and Fat Kylies what Jacob said about 'the parents being out' and they said 'He probably wants to do you one innit'

'do me one' what, what? Need to ask Scarlet for confirmation of what I think they may mean...

Eeee! Jacob has invited me and Scarlet to his birthday party next Saturday night! Then he said meaningfully to me, 'The parents are out, might as well take advantage of an empty house...' Hurrah, wonder what he means though?

Talked to Jacob today in Philosophy, Mr Knox (hairy librarian and newly form Philosophy and Ethics teacher) put us together to make a presentation. I think we really hit it off, he seemed enthusiastic about getting to know Scarlet (he obviously realises my friends are important to me) and he said he could not wait to do the presentation. I can't wait to present with him, am totally over Justin, plus Jacob is not too tall for me! Hurrah!

Have found my something new! There is a new boy in my Philosophy class, he's called Jacob, he plays cricket and sings in a band! Will try to get him to hang around with me Scarlet and Sad Ed. Hurrah!

My life is such a joke, I put on my jeans (unfashionable 'sensible' bootcuts) this morning to find that the dog had chewed the button off. So now I am walking around with a safety pin holding my jeans up, but it keeps stabing me in the stomach!

Scarlet says I can't be a Goth, I get too excited when Scrubs comes on TV! I thought that would be perfectly reasonable as a Goth as there is blood and sick, dying people? She said exactly her point, I'm too much of a conformer to stereotype. Said maybe I should rethink my choice of political party if I want to be non-conformist, so she made her lips go eerily thin like Mum does when I take lemonade into the living room!

So it's a new month, so I've decided it's a new me!

Unfortunately I can't think of what the new me has that is different, what could new me do? I can't do on a diet due to Mum's army like meal regime, can't get a new man as I don't have a man in the first place! Could try to get man, but the man I want does not seem to be interested in me (hence why I need to be new and different!)

Maybe I could turn Goth! Ooo that's a good idea, will ring Scarlet straight away!

I new me for a new month,. Yay! (but if I going Goth I can't be too happy about it)

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

I know you lot don't read the about page so I have copied and pasted it for you, you lazy lot!

"Here's the deal it is now the end of October 2011 and Rachel has gone off to university. I am however only 17 so having not experienced uni life I cannot deliver the fan fiction she deserves at this pinnacle time. Therefore Rach is travelling back in time to Year 11 upon the strike of the 1st November. Having experienced Year 11 and all its joys(!) I can offer you a more comprehensive coverage of Rachel's life and all its moments of note!"

Oh my God! Have had major embarrassing moment! Ok will set the context (excellent literature student word). The whole of year 13 were called back to John Major High school for a 'graduation' (only found out today as Mum had been so busy trying to teach me how to remove grease stains from the cooker she forgot to check yesterdays emails). Meaning Mr Wilmott told us how proud he was and gave us a crappy piece of paper saying 'Rachel Riley, proud John Major High Graduate'. After the 'ceromony' had finished I went to the new toilets- they have motion detecting lights. Was on toilet and lights turned off as I was the only one there and was sitting on loo. So just stayed sat there as it was pitch black and I didn't know what to do. About 5 minutes later Thin Kylie walked in so lights came on and I jumped up and flushed loo. When I came out of the cubicle she said 'OMG have You been sitin' on the bog in the dark all that time, you are such as spaz' Only she was not alone, Fat Kylie, Scarlet and a load of Goths were with her!
Arrggghhh, why am I blighted with my family's technological idiocy?

Only one good ting came out of today, there is going to be a party at Scarlet's (am going to sneak in behind Sad Ed) and will get very drunk so I can shed stupid childish Rachel who sits in the dark and become student Rachel who gets drunk and sleeps with hot band boys...

Oops, I think I know why Jack was staring at my eyes...just looked in mirror and I have a massive line of mascara under my eye, and even some in my eyebrow! How did this happen, why didn't I notice and why did NO ONE tell me as I left the house!????

Went to speak to Jack today, he let me in rather reluctantly, I don't know why but I'm pretty sure someone was in the den cupboard! Who would he be hiding from me? It can't be a girlfriend, there are no girls around apart from me, fat and thin Kylie's, the mini Goths and Kim. He can't of got back with Kim: I don't think he really liked her in the first place!

Anyway, he let me in and I asked him about Uni stuff, like what should I take etc? He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know and that Scarlet's not here. So I had to keep up the illusion that I was actually there to talk to him and not to try and lure the Hot Canadian to me. So asked him what Uni would be like, he said he didn't know and that he was busy. I did notice that he had his eyes locked on mine for the whole ten minutes I was there. Maybe he still likes me?

Oh my God! Mum and Dad have broken their recession spending rule 'only buy what we need (and Cif)' and purchased me a BRAND NEW laptop! It's black and has an HD screen (no idea why I would want an HD screen to write a ground breaking novel...)

However like everything Mum and Dad have ever given me it comes with a catch; when I'm at Uni I can (I have to) talk to them via Skype. Every night for the first month, and then every other night afterwards! Dad said he thought the whole point of me going to university was to get away from them. Then Mum made her lips go super thin so he went back to installing the online tracker (seriously!).

Why oh why did James have to teach Mum how to use the Internet?

Plus still have not spoken to Jack as am unsure if he is minty with me about the kiss?

Have got it! Will go and talk to Jack about Uni! And that is not really a lie, as am quite excited, only have a month left and mum is starting to get worried about me blowing up the flat or something, she is trying to teach me how to cook Sunday roast today! Said that I will not need to learn that as will just live of pasta and pot noodle. Don't think she heard the bit about the pot noodle though as the potatoes boiled over and smoke started to come out of the oven at that point.

Tomorrow she is teaching me how to use ALL the hoover attachments!

Have encountered problem in trying to lure Hot Canadian to me; we never hang out together, I don't know what he likes, I don't even know his name! Plus Sad Ed says he spends all day with Scarlet anyway. I need to get into chez Stone for this plan to work, but how? Scarlet won't let me in as she's still minty with me, the only other option is Jack. I need an excuse though, I can't just go and see him, will come up with something!

Asked Sad Ed if he could try and make Scarlet come to her senses about the whole Trevor thing, but he said he couldn't do that and in fact he was hoping that I could lure the Canadian away from her so that he could make his move! Told him that he has had a year to 'make his move' and I thought that he had in fact 'made his he move' several times but his advances had been unnoticed. He said that IN FACT it may of looked like he was 'making his move' but he was just buttering her up, and anyway they are like Ross and Rachel!

Actually laughed out loud when he said that, and then told him that if anyone is like Ross and Rachel it is me and Jack, but its not like I want to get back with him. He said 'Yeah, right'! I can't believe he thinks that I want to get back with Jack! Will prove that I am over Jack, will lure the Hot Canadian to me to prove him wrong!

Operation Hot Canadian begins!!    

No problem walk around town was not that successful. First I saw Justin and had to hide behind the Saffron Walden recycling bins to avoid any possible chance for kissing and declaring of love. Then we were in Waitrose and saw Jack saunter down the fish isle towards us so I had to try and quickly move to dairy isle and non chalant-ly run away- hopefully he didn't see.

Also Scarlet is still not speaking to me, Sad Ed said she said I was a 'boyfriend snogging slut who does not deserve friends like her', I told him to tell her she 'is a Hot Canadian stealing communist who does not know the meaning of friendship and I DID NOT KISS TREVOR ANYWAY!'

Ok have just decided to act like everything is completely normal. So am going to go and walk around town with Sad Ed and there will be no problems, and NO snogging!

Scarlet rung today to 'inform me that I am forgiven'. Asked what I did wrong and then she went off on one on how she found me and Trevor snogging in the bathroom! Told her what actually happened was that he tried to kiss me, and in fact only managed to peck my cheek, before she burst in, and anyway what does it matter to her as she was doing illegal canoodling with Hot Canadian in her room? She hung up, which surprisingly is a good sign, because if she was really angry she would shout down the phone at me!

But did still get my share of shouting for the day. Was sick on the sofa, so got shouted at by mum for not having forward planning and being in a non-toilet area at time of illness (told her I am ill, not still recovering from a punch based hangover). Also have heard nothing form either Jack or Justin, not that I want to speak to them particularly, but it would curtious seeing as they both snogged me and then said nothing! 

Oh God, oh no, no, no,no! Something bad has happend! Something terrible! May have accidentally gotten very drunk and snogged not one, not two but three men! Ok so heres my version of events:

9pm Party starts, Rachel Riley and Sad Ed sit in the corner with Scarlet, who is snogging the face off Bat Boy. We sip WKD in a responsible 18 year old manner. I keep watch on the front door waiting for Hot Canadian.

9.30pm Still no sign of Hot Canadian, Scarlet and Trevor disapear, Sad Ed sighs heavily and starts to drink some of Suzys deadly punch.

10pm No Canadian so Rachel Riley begins to drink punch..

10.45pm Sad Ed and Rachel Riley start to dance on actual table tops whilst intoxicated.

10.47pm Sad Ed falls off table and passes out. Jack drags Sad Ed onto sofa and put sick bucket near him. Rachel Riley thanks Jack with drunken kiss that lingers and turns into full blown snog!! Jacks blond bit sees kiss storms up to Jack and drags him off me, slaps him, slaps me and storms off.

10.52 Justin sees slap and swaggers over, takes me away to the garden, kisses me and once again expresses love for me.

10.55pm Rachel Riley runs out of garden, into house, into Scarlets room, Scarlet screams and jumps up...she was canoodling with the Hot Canadian! Rachel Riley backs out of room apologising, Trevor runs in to see affair taking place.

11.03pm Rachel Riley sits in bathroom to calm down.

11.10pm Rachel Riley joined by Trevor in bathroom. Trevor spills soul to Rachel, in turn Rachel spills soul to Trevor. Trevor kisses Rachel!!

11.20pm Scarlet yells at Trevor, Rachel tries to explain but is thrown out. Rachel can hear Russian (?)swears from inside bathroom.

11.30pm Rachel Riley takes place on sofa with Ed.

Its all hazy from then on. Have been asleep in bedroom since I came home at 9am, trying to recover from massive hangover amongst other things...

Scarlet is throwing a 'Yay we didn't fail our exams party tonight'. She says she has invited the cute blond guy I hired her to stalk, apparently he's Canadian! I wonder who else will be there?

Oh My Goodness! Results are in and I got ABB!! Am a genius! Got A in Drama (typical that highest grade is in the subject I don't need or want it to be in), and B's in English and Politics! This means I could potentially got to the UEA! That would be quite near to Cambridge, where Jack is going, (but not Scarlet-she decided on Oxford, despite the fact that David Cameron went there). Not that that matters at all as am totally over Jack and he's still got that blond bit hanging off his arm, though have noticed that she is never at chez Stone when I am anymore...


Have managed to avoid Justin since reading the letter. Sad Ed said that I should never even think about taking him back, which I haven't really, much, today. Did dream about him last night though...damn his floaty blond hair and the ability to play anything on guitar!! 

Something terrible has happened! Has taken me two days to recover and still feel ill! The hand written letter for me was from Justin! He says in the letter that he still loves me and never should of hurt me or let me go. He adds that he does not expect me to reply to his 'bleeding of the heart and soul' (honestly) but he knows that deep down I love him!

URRGGHH makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

 I have only told Uncle Jim and Grampa Riley about this and all I got back was 'take him back Rach, if that were me I'd take him back...Marigold...Marigold...' followed by sobbing (the online dating world has found no one for Uncle Jim and now he has relapsed back into how he arrived-Mum is threatening to kick him out if he does not get his act together!). And from Grampa 'if he's a hot bit of arm candy and willing to give 'it' away for free then have him, if not slap him and get a friend to humiliate him in public'. Neither of which were helpful, so have gone for plan B- Sad Ed!

Oooo a hand writen letter has just been posted through the door, and its for me! Plus I recognise the hand writing...

What a strange day I've had! Scarlet and I have stalked that gorgeous boy who I spotted in the Waitrose car park in June! He has fluffy blond hair and green eyes...am smitten, but only have until October to enjoy him. Typical will have to befriend him and remind Scarlet that she is dating Bat Boy Trevor!

Okas fine with her son consorting with Justin, as am I obviously, it's just weird, will forget it though...

10 days to go until I get my A-level results! Am not panicking though, its not like this is on of the most pinnacle moments in my life and could alter the course of history in the making and my fate! Scarlet on the other hand is having to breath into a bag every few minutes at the thought of not getting the three A's she needs for Oxbridge (she hasn't decided whether she wants to go to Cambridge (too close?) or Oxford (too posh?) yet shes just  going to let it come to her in a dream). I on the other hand am completely sure and not likely to change my mind to be near a Stone... 

Something mysterious is happening, just saw Jack and Justin talking outside Gayhomes and it did not look like it was about to descend into a full scale fight!

Ooops, sorry for not writing for so long! James managed to dissconect the computer from the thingy in the dinning room and there was a bang, and everything died! Mum was not happy, she has banned James from the computer for a month.

But not much has happened since then, finished all my exams and I get the results on the 17th August, I need a BBB to get into York university, which I am surprised was not on Mums banned list as it is north of Norwich. My second choices are Reading and the UEA, all for English Literature of course! Can't wait to get out of this house, currently the 'Beastly Boys' are singing along to the Sugarbabes whilst the dog howls (and not out of pain) to the chorus!

Also had my 18th Birthday! Was happily not as dramatic as last year as no party was had and no snogging took place.

James says the chances of getting shot in Saffron Walden is 200,000 to one, unless Mark Lambert is 'Drunk and Disorderly' with an air gun again!

Oh, God! Exams are coming like rapid machine gun fire, and just as painful (well I expect so, have never actually been hit by a bullet...Jackson Brown (a year 7 Goth) once shot himself in the foot with a BB gun, but that's as about as edgy as John Major High gets!)

Have spent the last few weeks stuck in room revising using Mums strict 'no food or contact with outside world until you have read and analysed Paradise Lost to the point where you can recite it of by heart' method. Then when not imprisoned have been doing actual exams.

 Am exhausted, but I have PASSED my driving test. The Gods were merciful and somehow I managed only four minors and no unscheduled emergency stops! Mum nearly fainted when I told her, then I thought she was going to hug me, but she hugged Mike Wandering Hands instead. James said that could be seen as a lucky escape as opposed to my view of 'least loved child who is to be ignored even when she achieves something massive'. Asked if I could have a car now (retro VW Beetle in mind) but Mum said I could drive her fiesta, however only with her present. Declined offer, will walk, but as a qualified driver. Much cooler then being shouted at by a manic women wearing driving gloves (even when not driving!?) for not releasing the handbrake whilst checking my blind spot! 

Drama was harder than expected. Being a tree was easy, remembering my Frankenstein monologue was not. Especially with Sad Ed preferring to play 'the creature' in tradition zombie like manner, before he had to pretend to kill me. Mr Vaughn exited the room at that point with his head in his hands and furiously chewing his nicotine gum; am hopeful!

In other news (if you can call it that?) have spotted gorgeous boy hanging around the Waitrose car park, Sad Ed was scared he was waiting to take over his and Ruben's trolley herding jobs, then he crashed 14 trolleys into a fiesta. Shame it was not Mike Wandering Hands Majors one as then would not have to take test. Anyway have told Scarlet about him in hope that she will track him down and match make me with him! Hurrah.

Just had another driving lesson, am crap driver, but Mike Wandering Hands Majors said that he has booked me in for a test NEXT WEEK! Tried to get out of by claiming I was too busy concentrating on a) impending A-level exams b) impending failure of A-level exams and c) revising non stop to try to thwart impending failure of impending A-level exams. He said whatever and watch out for that pedestrian before performing a emergency stop, am good at emergency stops...

Have made strict revision routine, will stick to it religiously. Have first exam on Friday is drama so it should be easy.


Mr Vaughn says he is trying to avoid type casting. Am a tree. Said that in fact this is very much type casting given my bushy and unruly hair (now fully recovered after traumatic hover haircut accident). He told me to shut up as trees don't talk.

Have not done much revision yet due to current dog commotion in house. It stupidly swallowed one of James Lord of the Rings figurines and has been retching all day. Mum is letting it suffer and then she is going to make Dad take it to the vets when he gets home. James tried to convince me to steel the keys to the car and save dogs life by rushing it to the vet in a dramatic movie-like fashion. Was tempted as it would totally be like Nine Months but with a retching dog and in the flat streets of Saffron Walden. But said I could not as am a) revising and b) according to Mike Wandering Hands Majors my accelerator control is 'life threatening' and my steering is 'that of a drunken idiot'. James said a) watching (illegal) The Thick of It is not revision and b) and who said I should drive, it would be him dur! Shut door on him and went back to watching Chris Addison curse about the right wing opposition, is utterly educational!

Ohh, just googled STV. Is more democratic and proportional voting system, nothing to do with sex. Oops

Ahhh crap. Scarlet just reminded that study leave starts on Monday, and that I HAVE TO REVISE! But she also said that we can do Politics together as according to her am 'incapable, ignorant capitalist who does not know the meaning of STV' said I did, is an sexually transmitted infection and I learnt about it in dodgy sex ed lesson last year. She said point proven and hung up.

Online dating does not work when you live in Saffron Walden. Only available 'matches' were Mike Wandering Hands Majors-ick, PC Doone-ick and a 'Mr. Barry' aka Barry the Blade-also ick! So have given up on that idea and have reluctantly employed Scarlet as Official match maker, will live to regret it. On the other hand Sad Ed has stuck with the online way, mainly because it means he does not have to leave his room, although he claims it is because he does not mind being with an older lady. I don't know what he is hoping for the older ladies round here are either mental (Miss Crawley) or lesbians (P.E. teacher Miss Beadle).

Sad Ed has sunk that low. We joining the online dating community. Hooray! And interestingly so is uncle Jim, he said he needs to move on from Marigold and find a real women, although I expect a lot of that is Mum talking.


But Mum can not know about this, she thinks everyone online is a paedophile and will probably set up a fake account to trick me again and attack me in Battleditch lane (strictly speaking she didn't attack me, but she did jump out and anyway I had Sad Ed there to protect me). Have sworn Uncle Jim and Ed to secrecy and am deleting our history just in case, (so her minion James doesn't find it and try and blackmail me again!)


 What is it with this family and deceitfulness? Ohhh maybe we could end up on TV...no would be Jeremy Kyle and even Thin Kylie thinks that is common! 

Told Sad Ed Grampa said to use online dating to find (emergency) new boy/girlfriend (girl for him, am not planning to dable in homosexuality again, as last time failed miserably). Sad Ed said he would never sink that low...

Told Grampa Riley about the Justin-boyfriend debacle. He said that Cosmopolitan recomends online dating to find some new 'arm candy'.

Why is Jack so minty with me? He is the one that left to go to Guatemala and who came back with a girlfriend! Is utterly unfair, how can he treat me like this? Justin is gloating though, he said that I will be forced back into his mince-meating arms once more, then said something so stupid, "au contraire acctually have new boyfriend and you don't mince meat anymore form Back doors band member midget does" to which he smiled and walked away! Why did I have to open my big mouth, and why does Justion have to keep coming back, can't he just stay at college and make my life easier!


Now have to find new boyfriend fast...